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  • Writer's pictureloveladynovels

I want to tear my skin off.

For the last two years, I have dealt with a mysterious skin condition on my hands and right wrist. It hasn't been a constant problem; it comes in unpredictable waves. Once we confirmed it wasn't lyme disease, we thought it was ringworm. The treatment for that STARTED to heal it but never FINISHED the job. Student health called it contact dermatitis--a skin allergy, even though that made no sense because the places where I was affect either went completely untouched or was touched by items and fabric that should've caused rashes in other parts of my hands and arms. We've changed soap like 10 times since this all began, and I don't really put lotion on my hands, so I can't be allergic to hand soap or lotion. Still, they gave me hydrocortizone cream. Same thing happened; ALMOST healed it, but never completely healed it. That was in March of 2018.

It flared up again in October and we tried even more things until we found that Hydrogen Peroxide seemed to have the best affect. In fact, we read about other cases online with similar rashes that were unidentified by dermatologists, but Hydrogen Peroxide seemed to be the consistent cure. It ALMOST COMPLETELY healed it, which was enough for me to stop consitant use of the peroxide and let my body do the rest of the healing.

And for awhile, everything was fine. Then, summer came and it has flared up and spread. The rash on my wrist has gotten bigger, as has the one on the side of my hand. There are two new small rashes on the back of my right hand, but the rash that was on my left middle finger only just started to flare up. The hydrogen peroxide stopped working and now just makes it worse. For a while, putting nothing on it seemed to be for the best. But it's taking too long to heal.

We have no clue what it is. We can't identify it and we can't find anything to make it go away. I want it gone. I want it off me. I want to tear my skin off, I want it gone so bad. I feel like a leper. I hate having to shake people's hands, because I know they can feel it, and they're probably afraid it's contagious. I'm tired of the scaly skin and itchiness. I'm afraid at what it could possibly that can last for 2 years without going away on it's own or heal with the aid of SOMETHING. I'm tired of not being able to use my favorite scented lotions for fear of irritating the rashes and making it worse. I'm terrified because I read a story about a woman who got a cut, her go licked the cut, and the bacteria from the dog got into her body and basically killed all four of her limps, forcing doctors to amputate all of them. I want to have a dog again one day, but I'm TERRIFIED that the same thing will happen because of the breaks in my skin caused because of these stupid rashes. I want to tear my skin off.

I'm making appointment with the doctor tomorrow. If they don't get me in fast, I'll lose it. If they can't tell me what it is and how to heal it, I will lose it. If they tell me there's nothing they can do and I'm stuck like this forever, I will lose it.

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